A Safari Guide

by Angelina Rolie

When looking for the femellas derbia – or derby girl – one should first explore its native habitat: the roller rink.

Upon entrance, scan the area for women in telltale pads at the elbows, wrists, and knees. You may also observe hair sticky with sweat, beat-up helmets, striped knee socks or thigh highs, and multiple tattoos.

If you are not certain as to your specimen's authenticity, look for frightened or fleeing children. The facial expression of the femellas derbia is best described as a scowl. That, coupled with the species' extremely muscular hindquarters and razor-sharp elbows, often scares children from the immediate area.

Last but not least, a derby girl can often be recognized by a strong, pungent odor, somewhat akin to Vidalia onions combined with more onions. You are expected to take a whiff for confirmation, but quickly bring your shirt to your nose if you feel in danger of passing out.

One final caution: many unexperienced safarists mistake the similar species recrutus derbia for femellas derbia. The only way to distinguish between two: look for orange and brown skates. If you see orange and brown skates, those are rentals and you are most likely not looking at a true derby girl.

If you are looking for your prey in the wild, you are bound to find the femellas derbia at local watering holes, usually gathering in large, boisterous groups. The genus is known to be quite affectionate with each other – one may see a lot of what is known in the scientific community as "grab ass" – and rarely modest.

Spotting the derbia in the wild can be troublesome without the presence of skates or pads, but even without her gear, she's a distinctive creature.

Should you spot a potential derby girl, check for these distinguishing markings: bruising on the upper arms and, if you can get a close enough examination, on the upper and inner thighs.

However, we do not recommend close examination. In fact, one should always try to maintain one's distance because derby girls are highly unpredictable. They have been known to charge without a moment's notice. They find great sport in hip checking and blocking, especially with the uninitiated. Even if they appear sweet and docile off the rink, it is a façade to lure their prey.

Which brings us to the most important point: Always remember that you are the predator and they your prey. If the tables turn, you may find yourself in a deadly situation and, when that happens, nothing you've read in this guide will help you. Godspeed.