by Tinyrage
Women have been giving each other well-meaning fashion advice since, I don't know, caveperson days or something. You know, stuff like "don't wear white after Labor Day," and "only children and whores wear red shoes," and "hey, maybe you're too fat to wear spandex." Since roller derby is springing up all over our fine nation (and a couple of other ones, too) and you may find yourself in attendance at one of our events, or even aspiring to be a derby girl, we thought we'd help you out.
DON'T: Show up looking completely put together. What are we, Ladies Who Lunch?
DO: Add one more piece of jewelry. Smear your lipstick. Rip something. Use safety pins. Wear a little too much makeup. Wear no makeup at all. If your grandmother would tell you that you look lovely, you're doing it wrong. Unless Granny was in a motorcycle gang.
DON'T: Have an elaborate hairdo. For all intents and purposes, your helmet is your hairdo. Plus, less money on hair = more money for drinks.
DO: Accessorize with skulls. Fake blood is always good, too. Flowers are fine-as long as they're used with skulls. Or crushed under a skate.
DON'T: Wear ankle socks or athletic socks.
DO: Wear at least knee-high socks, preferably striped or with something cool on them. Like skulls.
DO: Wear fishnet anywhere, at any time. In derby, everything good is made better with fishnet.
DON'T: Wear rink skates. Ew. What, do you have no self-respect?
DO: Wear your favorite band t-shirt.
DON'T: Unless the band or performer is, say, Michael Bolton or something. No Dan Fogelberg fans will be allowed. We can smell you, you know. And you smell like the frozen food section at the grocery store.
DO: Feel free to show off any tattoos or piercings, unless they're in places you might get arrested for revealing in public. In that case, hide somewhere and then show us.
DON'T: Wear a skirt that's the perfect length.
DO: Wear a skirt that's too short. And then wear fishnets underneath it. Or underwear that has something written across the butt. Derby girls like to read.
DO: Actually wear whatever you want.
DON'T: Listen to anyone else's rules. Even these. Some of us have been known to rock out sway gently to Dan Fogelberg, too, you know.