Photos by Duchess de Muertas

Most one-year-olds spend their birthday eating, sleeping, and sucking their thumb. But the girls of Memphis Roller Derby spent its first birthday drinking, partying, and go-go dancing.

MRD's explosive bash at the Hi-Tone Saturday, February 10th, was free and featured DJ Steve Anne, Maggie Louie, The Boston Chinks, The Preacher's Kids and, like any good birthday party, with tons of pizza and cupcakes. (No comment on the goodie bags.)

After a moment of appreciation for MRD's amazing coaches and referees — in the form of tequila shots — Hustlin' Flow and Heathen Smashcraft called eleven skaters to the stage. Moxie Dynamite, Elle Tempered, Brooken Bones, Robin-n-Stealin, Roxy Codone, Manda Malice, Your Mom, Kinky Kenevil, Jill'em All, Candy Crunch, and Smashimi exchanged puzzled looks. Much to their surprise they were each presented with a lighted blinging wheel chair pendant to officially mark their entrance into the "Hall of Lame."

These "Bad Ass Bitches" all shared the distinction of a fracture in the line of duty in MRD's first year of existence. Before she could gimp limp off the stage, Smashimi was awarded the "Worst Injury Award," a flamed out trophy sporting a woman in a wheelchair, for her spiral fracture in her leg at the December 9th bout.

Smashimi was immediately accosted by her coach, Whorecules, who demanded to know why she herself was not inducted into the Bad Ass Bitch Hall of Lame. "I'm permanently F%@#ing disabled now!" she said pointing to her bum knee, which is technically torn and not broken. Not missing a beat, Smashimi took off her medal and presented it to her Royal Lameness. "Just don't come after my trophy!" she said as she headed to the bar in search of a much needed vodka tonic.

Two of MRD's biggest derby fans, Field Marshall and H-Bomb, were honored with shirts that read "MEMPHIS ROLLER DERBY LOVES ME" on the front and featured all four team logos on back with the words "FAN 4 LIFE." (And yes, the t-shirts were ordered before Field Marshall and H-Bomb bought every derby girl in the house at least one drink!)

A number of other awards — and prizes — were handed out in various categories:

For her Best Legs, Rolls Royce received a pack of razors. Duchess de Muertas won best smile and toothpaste and a tooth brush to keep it that way. Angelina Rolie won a tube of mascara for her Best Eyes.

Winning Best Kisser, Biggest Flirt, and Skater You're Most Likely to End Up in Jail With, Robin-n-Stealin walked away with a tote bag, false eye lashes, playing cards, and probably a few more hearts.

Hustlin' Flow won Best Derby Name and got a star-shaped "Rock Star" pillow.

Little Buns n Roses got Band-aids for winning Miss Maschochist — the Skater who takes the Most Lickins and Keeps on Tickin — and a box of candy for winning Sweetest Rollergirl.

The Most Outrageous Rollergirl, Lil' Bo Peep Show won a "Wild About You" pillow. The skater with the Nicest Ass, Jill B. Nimble, won two Moon Pies. The girl with the Skankiest pads, Bloody Elle, won Febreze.

A bumper sticker that read "Does not play well with others" could have described most of the girls in the room, but was especially suited for Manda Malice, the Most Fearsome Rollergirl.

The Victator was named the Most Intimidating Rollergirl and got a glow-in-the-dark "Jason" hockey mask for it. Kinky Kenevil won Scariest Bout Face and won facial mask packets. Gwen Reaper won a toy Light Saber for being voted Most Improved. Steelia Thunder got A&D ointment for having the Most Impressive Ink.

And the ILF winners — Machine Gun Kelly, Whorecules, and Judge Booty — all got personal lubricant.

The Hottest Couple in the league — The Victator and Brooken Bones — shared a kiss on stage and won red wine and candles for off stage.

And Hottest Rollergirl, Your Mom, won cooling aloe vera gel, giving the other ladies a chance for next year.

One obvious award that was missing was Best Rack, but chances are that would have been a 60-way tie.

Thank you to DJ Steve Anne, Maggie Louie, The Boston Chinks, and The Preacher's Kids! A very special thank you to Doc Derby for keeping the evening flowing as the announcer! Thank you always to Snark Attack, Elle Tempered, and The Victator! MRD would not be here without you three girls! Thank you to all MRD sponsors and fans and most especially to all of the husbands, boyfriends, and significant others who love and support the derby girls!